Tuesday, 30 July 2013

my sweet one... ♥





i had a beautiful little life growing inside of me...

i wish i could have met my sweet little baby... but i'll have to wait...

i'm telling you about my loss not because i'm seeking condolences or words of sympathy... 

i've never in my life experienced such pain and sorrow; in a way i'm not sure how to deal with it. for that reason i'm thinking of how my friends and family have worked through pain when they have endured loss. i've chosen to not hide the tragedy or to keep it as a private matter. i think that i would find it more awkward to constantly run into the situation of 'oh my goodness... i had no idea...' or for others to feel as though they wish they had known so they could have walked this journey with me. i don't want anyone to feel left out of my life - in good times or in bad. therefore i'm sharing my sorrow with you in hopes that my friends and family would read this and just know what is happening in our lives... so that if they catch me feeling sad or disconnected, they would know what it is that i'm thinking of and remembering...

i wish you too could have met this little being...

i'm feeling very sad right now... very, very sad...

our baby was only about four weeks old (i was six weeks pregnant)... but my belly was already hard to hide... i wore loose clothing and although people were already guessing about a possible pregnancy, they were polite to hold off on questions and were probably waiting for a big reveal. on sunday i noticed my pants were just too tight at the waist and i had decided that on monday i would take out my maternity clothes... monday never came... 

as we were getting ready to go to the hospital on sunday night, i changed into my 'comfy pants'... i knew what was happening in my body and i figured it was going to be a long night... it broke my heart that the pants didn't even fit and i had to find something else to wear... it was a sad situation because i knew the baby in my belly wouldn't be coming home with me...

i've worn the same pair of pants three days in a row because they're my only pre-pregnancy pants that fit and i don't want to wear a pair of maternity pants... my protruding belly has now gone down in size... i looked in the closet at my other pants this morning, but i couldn't bring myself to wear any of them... i was supposed to have put them away yesterday and wasn't planning on wearing any of them for a year... as silly as this may all sound, this is what's going through my thoughts... 

i'm finding it extremely hard to go back to 'normal'... i had a baby inside of me; i was pregnant; i just had my first prenatal doctor's appointment on friday; they took my blood to confirm the prengnancy; two days later, they took my blood to check for a negative result... it's heartbreaking when the doctor was in a position to say 'i'm sorry, your hormone levels are at a level that we can't confirm either way' when really i can tell what's happening in my body...

i already had hopes and dreams for this baby and was so excited for it to be a part of our family. lucy would have been thrilled to be a big sister... 

i'm purchasing this beautiful print 'when she held her child' in memory of my sweet one and also in hope that one day i'll hold my sweet child ♥


2 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry for your loss, Jenny. My heart goes out to you and Mikko, and sweet little Lucy.

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  2. I'm so sorry this happened :( That's a beautiful print... Sending good thoughts your way.

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