Tuesday, 18 March 2014

'mansikka ja mustikka'... ♥

right around this time, i would have loved to have celebrated the birth of a baby. our sweet little one would have been due mar. 23rd, though i would have expected him or her around valentines day or family day - five weeks early just as with lucy.

i knew it would be a hard time of year for us, remembering a little life that ended too soon. 
i thought i would be 'ok' as long as i had some new happy news to look forward to - and i did...

but now i am sad to say that we have lost two other babies.
i was expecting twins.

the only thought that brings me joy in this all is that mikko reminded me that we'll have a big family waiting for us in heaven... i've always wanted many children - but i am heartbroken that i never got to care for three of my children here on earth.

twins were a dream of mine. since i was a little girl, i had always wanted twins in our family. my mom had to break it to me that i could never have a twin of my own (!) and that since twins didn't run in our family, it was very unlikely that she could ever have them. 
well a little girl could still dream to have twins of her own one day.

my dream became a fear though three years ago after having lucy and finding out i had a heart-shaped uterus. i knew there would probably not be enough space for two babies. but since they didn't run in my side of the family, i figured it was very unlikely.

when problems started to arise two weeks ago and i had early ultrasounds done, doctors kept asking and commenting: 'are you on fertility treatment? do twins run in your family? you're very young for this...' 
i couldn't believe what they were telling me: twins. my dream (not a fear at this time)... had become a reality. but i never knew until my first baby had already passed.
i had two sweet little ones growing inside of me.

the second baby had a strong heart beat, high hormones and was clearly visible - the doctors were very optimistic about him or her. he or she stayed with me for two more weeks -  i had always said that if i was expecting multiples, i would have liked to have found out the sex of the babies. i never got to that point with either baby.

the past two weeks have been very, very hard. such a mix of emotions, of highs and lows. i had both life and death happening at once inside of me. i felt very sad that one twin was leaving the other; that one was leaving our family. and i actually was very nervous of how the living baby would feel one day about having lost his or her brother or sister.

'mansikka ja mustikka' ('strawberry and blueberry' because the second twin had just grown to the size of a blueberry! and of course if you have a blueberry, there must also be a strawberry...) are now together again with their brother or sister (our summer baby - 'poppy seed') 


i'm not 'ok' right now - but i will be.
lucy is still my little miracle. i think i would be inconsolable without her. 
this little girl is the most intuitive little one i've ever known. we hadn't said anything to her yet about my pregnancy, but one day she noticed my belly, got up from her seat, ran to my belly, kissed it and hugged it and squealed "sulla on vauva!!" ('you have a baby!!')... and that was it.

every night at some point lucy crawls into our bed. she can tell when i'm awake, when i'm sad... and she hugs me, she holds me and she kisses me. that's how sweet she is. that's how blessed i am ♥

 ***artwork is by elly mackay of 'theater clouds'


  1. I am so extremely sorry for your losses. For your blueberry and strawberry and your poppy seed. I have had three losses just like you and it is those same hugs, from my girl now almost 5, that make the sadness bearable. I hope your Lucy continues to bring you comfort when you need it most and that you have brighter days ahead. xo.

    1. thank you jen ♥
      hugs to you as well

  2. jenny, we don't know each other but I've commented a few times and I couldn't read this post and not comment. I want to say how sorry I am. As a woman and a mother, my heart breaks for you. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. How blessed you are with your darling Lucy. She is a treasure.